Learning about myself

Well, this trip has taught me a lot about myself already! I thought that I was strong, independent and brave. I also thought I was capable of making good decisions. I think was wrong.

I want to come home. I haven't even made it Padang, I've only been gone two days but I miss my friends and family so much. And I really, really miss Nick. If he was here, this wouldn't be scary. I don't think I can do this 'alone' thing. Especially not when I have a perfectly good relationship sitting at home. And I feel awful hearing that he is sad. It just makes me want to come back home even more. I really think I made the wrong decision to go on my own. WE could have gone somewhere together, but I am so impatient...

There are issues with my visa. First of all it couldn't get processed yesterday as originally expected, as the embassy was closed for Singapore National Day. And today it might not be ready in time for me to catch my flight, or may even be rejected on the basis of it being a digital photo (my school director keeps saying digital is ok, but my embassy go-between says no. We shall soon see who is right). So I might have to stay in Singapore for longer, maybe catch boats and things tomorrow. I DEFINITELY get boat sick.

None of these are world-ending issues. I could deal with them if there was someone else here. And I think I could deal with being in Padang on my own, because I would be working towards belonging somewhere. But here I am in transit. I don't belong anywhere, I don't feel comfortable or at home anywhere, and the longer I am here, there more that goes wrong, the more I remember that I am only a flight away from my loved ones... and is breaking a contract to a stranger so bad... I want to be strong, I want to be brave, but it's really, really hard. And I miss my boyfriend a lot.

Singapore-lah

Oy. I had too much baggage (WAY too much, but I AM going for a year, not a three week holiday like others on the flight), so had extra charges for that- kudos to the lovely lady at Ausrian desk for only charging me five kg extra instead of 15. :) Long flight (but hey, good food on Austrian, could have done with more leg room personally!

Disasters finding the hostel- turned out my taxi was parked just down the street from it as we sat and stressed because it wasn't in his directory... then the backpackers turned out to be upstairs, not a good thing with my HUGE bag. But I'm here, I have a bed, all is well.

Phew, 28 degrees when we landed at 10pm. Quite a shift from Melbourne, where I know it is due to rain tomorrow. Love y'all, miss you, but I'm here and safe :)

Here goes...

So. It's 5.30am. I leave in less than 12 hours. I have had four hours sleep. I am emailing, blogging and uploading tunes because I just lay in bed thinking of everything I had to do (I'm not currently doing them, please note. Just not lying insomniacally thinking of them).

So, this is big. I have cried alot in the last days- I think I'm making up for the calmness with which I have been facing this trip so far. Everyone keeps giving me sensible reassuring advice, and they're all right. But I'm also right in knowing this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever had to do. I miss Nick, and he's only a few metres away. My family are a little further, but not as far as they will be in a few hours. Damnit, I have been telling everyone off for missing me preamturely, now look at me! Pathetic :)

I'll be ok. So will everyone else. I know this, but it doesn't stop me from aching inside. I am not afraid of a new experience, or that anything bad will happen, I'm just sad at leaving everyone. Love you all :)

I'm not so sure anymore...

Ugh, I'm sure it's just last minute nerves. In fact, considering the ENORMOUS to do list I have for today, it could even be procrastination nerves. But right now, at this exact moment in time, I'm thinking that I am making a mistake...

I'm leaving in less than two days. I'm making a lot of people sad. I'm feeling mean. And I don't know if this is what I want anymore.

Ah, the blog. A public confession of things I can't say, because they seem too private. The irony is oh-so-delicious.

If you know my number, feel free to call or text me encouraging words. I think I need them. Tell me to leave already, and excuse me if I snuffle at you over the phone.

Yeah.

Five more sleeps

I like to count in sleeps, it's less ambiguous than days... because then there's the dilemma of whether or not you count the day you are on, and/or the day you are counting down to. So five more sleeps in Ozland- on the sixth sleep I'll be in Singapore. I've had a week which felt extremely busy, and I now have physical evidence of my leaving, but I still feel like I haven't gotten enough done.

Things I have to/ hope to accomplish before next Tuesday:

- lunch w/ friends/ family/ loved ones on Thursday, Friday, Saturday Monday.
- dinner w/ friends/ family/ loved ones on Thursday, Friday, Monday.
- brunch w/ friends on Friday.
- drinks w/ friends/ family/ loved ones on Saturday
- possibly nurse a hangover from above drinks
- organise end of lease and bond forms
- clean this damn house, namely the windows, and the remaining two thirds of the shower I gave up on last time..
- pack/ cull my clothes (I have too many, but I just keep hanging onto them... sentimentality and a hope that one day I shall be a lithe, teenage-bodied stunner who fits my old clothes)
- get more boxes; I underestimated the amount of crap we have
- get rid of aforementioned crap and take it to op shop/ ebay/ freecycle/ vintage stores (and harass the dude on ebay who hasn't sent my memory stick, yeah...)
- pack crap I can't bring myself to get rid of
- buy some bather bottoms
- organise my visa photo (seriously, WHY am I going to the only country in the world whose visa pictures have a red background? Ugh)
- download and complete overseas electoral notification form
- fill in the mail forward form
- myotherapy appointment, possible osteo appointment
- remember that I have freebie tix to MTC on Friday... it took a lot of convincing to get those tickets, I really should go!
- freak out about the fact that I'm going overseas on my own with no idea of what to expect at all, really.

Yeah, I should be right with that. :P