Present and Future Tense

OK anyone still reading my blog now I'm back in Melbourne- my apologies for complete lack of posting. Originally I blamed Nick for taking the computer on holiday (lucky computer), but he's been back an entire 5 days and I still haven't blogged. I know, slack. I should be poked with sharp sticks. Or something.

So I've been home three weeks. Only three weeks. In some ways it feels like I never actually left. In other ways it feels like I must have been away for years, because everything is weird. I'm sure that will pass. That or I'll just go away again so I have valid reason for feeling like a foreigner...

Plans for this are already in the works. I figure that, as I was supposed to be away until next August anyway, the rest of this year is prime travel time (Hey, I've got non-refundable travel insurance until mid August! Might as well use it). Hence I am planning to hang out in Europe with Lisa from April til June-ish (France, Germany, Spain, Portugal, anywhere else we get around to). If finances permit (which means working like a dog in the hope of this, but ok!), I want to visit New Zealand and WA or NT for a few weeks/ month each. We'll see how we go. I had vague aspriations of spending New Year's in New Zealand, but then Rami suggested having a bouncy castle in his parent's backyard. I really like bouncy castles...

I am back temping, receptionist extraordinaire. I've looked at teaching jobs, but, because it's the end of the year, there isn't much work around. Plenty of ads for next year, but I really only want first term work so I can travel, and most jobs at the moment are full year positions. But I'll keep looking. I'd rather be temping than teaching, but I'd rather be travelling than teaching. Priorities :P

Trying to stave off 'myeh'ness (This is a condition which involves me looking at options for my life- long and short term- and responding with verbal 'myeh' and mental dejection). Hoping to learn a language, or find an Indonesian cooking class, or do a wine tasting course, or, I don't know, write a novel in November. Something that will interest me for longer than my current goldfish attention span.

Cup Day is coming up :) Yay for days off to watch small, brightly coloured men clinging to speeding horses. I have bought an utterly hideous dress for cup day- but don't worry, that's deliberate. Our Cup Day party is 70s themed. Now that's something they don't get in Indonesia- dress ups. *sigh* I KNEW there was a reason I came home! :)

Waktu untuk pulang

(Time to return home)

This was my my final journal entry in Indonesia, written in the plane as we took off.

Day 59. Ultimate. In some ways I wish it wasn't. I'm feeling very weak, like I should have been able to make it longer. I really think I would have gone mad if I'd stayed a year: but the realisation that I can speak ok Indonesian; the knowledge that my students and new friends actually care and will miss me; and the feeling that I would have in some way proven myself make me feel sad to leave. I feel a bit ashamed to be crawling home with my tail between my legs.

I keep telling myself that the circumstances were ridiculous: completely alone; crap house; crap working hours; feeling scared everytime I heard a noise at night; feeling both intensely grateful for any form of friendship, yet frustrated by the over-attention that comes from a relationship with Indonesians (they are INTENSE people, and have no idea about alone time, or privacy or anything). I can't but feel disappointed. I am sad both because I feel bad to have upset so many people, and because I just want a hug from someone I know!

I'm feeling more emotional than I have for most of my trip- barring the first week, of course! I know I'll miss more than my balcony! N.B. Early in my trip, I wrote a list of things I thought I'd miss in Indonesia. The main thing was the balcony near my room, which had an interesting view, and nice breezes.

I am going to most miss the relaxed atmosphere of Indonesia. It is a place where someone is always late, and time is truly elastic; where everything can be rixed by crossing the right person's palm with silver. I am going to miss the complexities of life, paradoxical, really for such a simple lifestyle. People are obsessed with technology, to the point where it was considered 'impossible' for me to not have a mobile; yet people live in squalor. They are fiercely proud of the natural beauty of their country, but destroy it daily, be it through littering or slash and burn farming. It's a country where people do not understand the need for 'alone time', but expect you to live sendiri (alone), and where the locals are both overwhelmingly welcoming and shockingly rude all at once. It's a weird, beautiful, terrible, amazing place. I am definitely coming back here.

So. Back home. Back to the grind, the familiarity, the anonymity on a crowded street, the certainty I am not being fleeced because of my skin colour, nor am I getting special treatment because of it! I actually really can't wait to travel... tapi aku juga senang sekalia untuk pulang! ('but I am very happy to return home'...)

The word 'pulang' means 'to return home', a concept for which we do not have a single word in English. I think this is because we don't regard home as an element central to our being. It's strange, being abroad made me so much more patriotic. I wasn't homesick, but I was so home-proud. At the zoo, the animals I spent most time with were the kangaroos and the cocky, because, you know, we had this deep Australian connection. Yeah...

Self reflection

I wrote this about two weeks into my trip, and I don't think my feelings have changed too much. Anything in italics is a present addition to a six week old journal entry.

Is it possible to find oneself by removing all familiar aspects of one's life? In losing myself in a foreign country, I am hoping to learn who I am at my core. So far I have confirmed (but not newly discovered, I kind of knew these things already):

-I love teaching. I love learning. I love challenging people to think and discover and want to know more. I love spending time with children, and teenagers.

-I am such a people person. I wish I had someone to share my experiences with. It would make them more beautiful than they are. They don't seem fully lived on my own. Having been on my own, I know I can do it alone, but I don't enjoy it. I am independent enough to cope, but I think life should be about enjoyment, not functioning.

-I set myself very high expectations. I expect too much of myself. I need to learn to take baby steps. I need to be realistic. I need to cut myself some slack. It was SO hard to decide to come home, because of my stubborness and self expectation. I thought I could do this, and therefore I was NOT whimping out. I'm still having waves of shame for coming home, even though I know I would have been miserable staying a year.

-I rush too much. I need to relax. Indonesian society is much slower than Australia. I enjoy that.

-I love language. My refuge, when things become difficult, is to read. Now I am a bit more comfortable here, I am revelling in becoming involved in the language. I'd like to study languages when I come home. The need to communicate is an intense part of who I am.

- I am emotional and affectionate. Sometimes this clouds my judgement, but it is a large part of who I am. It makes me generous and friendly. I value these traits in others, I should learn to value them mor ein myself.

-I actually really enjoy travelling. I love the unfamiliarity and unexpected landscapes and situations.

- I love animals. I wanna get me apet! And I want to do more to protect animals and their habitats. This was said because animals are treated really poorly in Indonesia. The zoo at Bukitinggi made me cry- just concrete pits with listless animals at the bottom. Dogs live in tiny cages, or chained in concrete yards. It's really sad.

-I am very fortunate. I have loving friends and family. I do not want for essentials. I have opportunities to travel, to educate myself, to make my own choices. In a first world country, we can forget how valuable these things are. They make a true world of difference.

-I am stronger than I often give myself credit for.

Displaced

Ha, culture shock coming into Singapore, much! My aunt Jenny had booked a hotel room- we were meant to stay together, but the incompetence personified that is British Airways messed that up- and it was pretty fancy :) So I went from lugging a 30kilo suitcase down flights of stairs to having bellboys at my command; from washing with buckets of cold water to a HOT massagehead shower and a swimming pool; from crazy Indo TV to cable in stacks o languages, including Australian TV (Hee hee, 'We could be heroes' is funny...); from no food available during Ramadhan to six restaurants within the hotel, and the most yummy roast duck for dinner. Mmmm.

Wandered the scarily expensive malls on Orchard Rd (HOW can there be so many Guccis and Louis Vittons in one strip???), wondered why Kate Moss seemed so overexposed (I guess Cocaine Chic is the new cool in the modelling world), bought myself a belt because I've lost a bit of weight. Then caught the MRT to the harbour, where I photographed the merlion, repelled the advances of a sleazy Indian guy, and visited the Asian Civilisations Museum, which I think may be the best museum I have visited.

Now I'm home. I'm tired, because I can't sleep on flights and my body aches (lack of sleep and cramped confines, I think). It's nice to be home, but so weird. Things feel familiar, but strange. My house feels EMPTY (but at least it's MY empty house, that's a step up on an empty Indonesian house). I am cold, and I crave rice! Half of my stuff is in boxes, including my clothes suited for today's cool weather, and I MUST have adjusted to the humidity because I am seriously cold. I feel much better when I am talking to people, so I will just have to try and up the socialisation!

Like Dorothy said, there's no place like home. I was starting to like the other place, and I want to see lots more places that are nothing like home. Right now I just want some people to make my house feel like home (a la The Castle :P). And some rice! :)

It's hard to say goodbye...

Wow, it's surprisingly difficult to leave my classes. I've only taught them for two months, two or three classes a week. But I am quite sad to leave them, and many of my students have been genuinely disappointed to see me go. I don't want to blow my own trumpet (oh, ok: toot!), but they didn't react like this when my predecessor left. So I think I was successful in my job. Yay :)

I am also saying goodbye to the idea of working at University Andalas. Positives: it would be great experience; it would look so impressive on a resume; I already know Padang, so it won't be a whole new shock; the support at the uni will be better than here; I will get to see my friends again; the university provides on campus accomodation. Negatives: accomodation is pretty much ALL they provide! That, and a transportation allowance. Yeah, turns out that's why they have teachers who are not trained, it's a stipend position. Blah, forget that. My friend insists she is going to talk to the Dean about it, but I think I'm giving up on that idea.

So today is my last one teaching here. I know my conversation class have a gift for me (Indonesians are so bad at being sneaky), which is sweet. And the staff here were concerned that I wasn't having a farewell party (I invited them down to the cafe where Kenny and I will be swilling cheap beer together after class). My high school friend has been leaving notes under my door saying he'll miss me (sweet, but kinda irritating!), and yesterday I met Ricky's niece, who decided she loved me and kept leaping on me when I said I had to go to work. I've made a surprising impression in only two months. I hadn't realised it, and feel a little bad to be leaving people. But, in the end, the people I love aren't here. So I'll see you all in a few days. Malam, Padang! Sampai nanti!

P.S. I thought Indonesia was giving me a grand old send off- yesterday I wwas completely convinced I had gastro! After two months of being fine and healthy! But I'm ok today, maybe it was a 24hour thing. Phew. That could have been a fun plane trip...

P.P.S. If you've heard about mudslides, they're in Java. It's a different island. And they've been going on for months, they must have gotten worse if they're in international news. They've tried everything to stop them- including inviting psychics to try and quell the spirits of the mud, who are apparently angry that corrupt people are doing bad things in town. Yeah. I love Indonesia!